These days life feels heavy and more work than usual. Healing takes great preserve and asks for my recommitment almost every second of every day. Choosing to heal is the single biggest decision in life. I am also feeling right now like it’s the toughest too.
When I say my life feels heavy that’s intensely accurate, yet I don’t want that to mislead you into thinking that heaviness equates to anything bad or foreboding. Heaviness I am finding gives way to the lightest touch and most tender care. There is something totally arresting about knowing you are in the middle of your own unique cataclysm and choosing to breath into that heaviness with an air so rarified that you feel like you can finally breathe again…
Healing morphs. When you reach a place of rest, where recuperation has found sanctuary there is so much gratitude and clarity in the unfolding, yet it always feels like you have been delivered to a new vantage point. Healing gives us the ability to see further from higher but with that comes so much upheaval, so much tribulation.
A few years ago the healing that I have experienced to date would have been my personal Utopia yet from this perspective I see how much more there is to do.
Some days that feels daunting and I eat cake instead. But I am so interested in how I might preserve the joy I’ve already extracted from my efforts so that I can marinade my here and now in those juices…
Today I got up with my heavy heart and gave way to the light. I stepped into my life, I didn’t switch off and turn back into the past. I planted myself in the spot that I was in. I gave myself all I could to grow from where I was.
Today healing had to begin in my kitchen. Today that looked like clearing out the cutlery draw that henceforth is no longer filled to overflowing with pieces of things that have no home. Opening that drawer every day and fighting to find a teaspoon was giving me convulsions of internal rage.
It also looked like wiping the shelves of my fridge with rose water and arranging the food prettily so that I could open the door with a feeling of total joy! It meant putting on music that moved me to tears and to dancing with my daughters. It meant holding my hand through every ounce of storming resistance to accept my here and now. I wanted the kitchen to feel good to me, I just didn’t know how I was going to get there.
When I saw the dishwasher my mind raged over the injustice of emptying it again. When I saw the draining board crammed with dishes that dried two days ago anger spilled into my veins. The bin that was moulding from the inside, the floors and windows that were smeared and clouding any positivity that I was capable of seeing.
So much pain and struggle just by standing in one room of my home. But it’s the room I’m in the most. It’s the room where all my most important healing happens. It’s where I cook up new dreams, simmer with new visions, wash away old habits. It holds me more than any other place. If my kitchen is a mess, my entire world is disordered.
I knew that to feel differently I was going to have to start somewhere. The pans that had been steeping for days where causing me the most despair. I’m sure there is nothing much wrong with cold, stagnant dish water but it symbolises something to me that can trigger all of my ugliest feelings. Nothing turns me into an indignant, whining, tyrant faster than the belief that I am the only person at home who appears to be able to see what needs done. Crumbs, disarray and piles of stuff only really seem to bother me!! It can feel like I’m holding back an almightly flood most days. When I step down from my unelected post as Chief Organiser of Daily Miscellaneous Household Crap unholy mountains of the stuff appears. The place can look ransacked in mere minutes.
Tending to our lives as women, especially as mothers is bloody exhausting. The kitchen is my frontline but I’d rather not do battle there when it’s true place in my heart is for healing. It’s hard to fully explain why the daily battle against kitchen grim affects my mood so completely. It’s like a place where new frontiers are possible and when all I am doing is battling the mess of the day I’m not truly tending to my life.
And in the end I just want my life to resemble something that is being tended to. The more I tend to my life the more I can drop complaining about why it has to be me that notices the detail. I take it as my unique contribution to family life. To whisper love into the unappreciated corners and light candles in the spaces that can bring light, freshness and inspirtation to our lives.
On the surface (and on the challenging days!) it just feels like work, but on those same days and every ordinary day inbetween, where life is quietly holding me, that’s where my best healing happens. Right inbetween the green juice and the slice of chocolate. Wedged tightly against the tantrums and triumphs. Nestled happily amongst the chaos and clarity. My breakthroughs are a result of being broken down by my resistance to myself and being built up by my devotion to myself. It’s coming back to the soothing stillness that lingers in the fleeting warmth of my cup of tea and trusting that I can heal my life as effortlessly as taking my next breathe.
The choice to heal is mine and it is yours too. And for me real healing happens in the same instant I turn away from myself – that’s where I hear the call to come back – that’s when I know what I need to do.
Where do you need to stop doing battle? Where can you bring your keen eye and your creative touch? Where do you tend to in your life that always lets people know you have been there?
In the end we all have to heal. And right now my healing happens in the mundane. It happens in reverence for the life I have. It manifests in the way I can shift from dread to duty. And when I am humble enough to accept my life as it is I see so clearly that my duty is to tend to the many ways in which healing happens… but more accuately to the places whereby healing happens… find and tend to those places with all the resolve you can muster. Switch on a light, let the universe know your home.
If you would like to join me for an afternoon of healing in preparation for Christams you can sign up to Untamed: December Devotion & Decadence. I’m hoping it might just be the perfect Christmas present you can gift yourself!
In Wild Song, Clare